All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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