My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
