I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
