i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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