you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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