Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
