Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
