You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
the condom got lost in my hair
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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