I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
