how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
