his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
