then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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