She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
