so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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