Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
