just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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