I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
