i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
