it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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