Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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