Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
