maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
