I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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