as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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