so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
