went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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