We're facebook friends in real life
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
