so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
