WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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