He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
