Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
