So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
