He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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