Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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