My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
