last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
