My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
