I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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