he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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