The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
