**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
