i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You took a bar mat shot.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
