Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
