Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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