I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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