your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
NoShamevember. You game?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
