Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
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