If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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