my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
