please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I am naked and annoyed.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
